CHARISSA J. ADAMS

SIFF Crash Horror Film Challenge

Last Saturday, October 26th, 2013, I had the pleasure of participating in the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) Crash Horror Film Challenge. The Crash Film Challenge is a bi-monthly film-making challenge: to make a short film in 8 hours. If you are looking to get experience making films, but don’t know where to start, THIS is an excellent way! Just sign up on the SIFF website (for a small fee of $10) and show up! (The next one is December 14th.) I had never done it before and didn’t have a group so I was placed in a group with all the other newbies. It was tons of fun and a great way to meet people and get more experience.

At 9am we met at the SIFF Office and got our groups assigned and the instructions for the day: write, film and edit a 3 minute film by 5pm. The confines for the film were also drawn out of a hat:

Character: Michael M
Action: waving goodbye
Prop: a spoon
Line of Dialogue: “To be really dead, that must be glorious.”

This is what we came up with. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbeTMEsFqj0

A Love Letter

Dear Dad and Mom,
Thank you for taking me to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival to see my first play when I was 4 years old. I couldn’t get enough. And all the plays that followed (at The Bathhouse, Seattle Children’s Theatre, and Taproot) kept my imagination alive! Dad, thank you for reading bedtime stories to me in funny voices. Mom, thank you for organizing our school plays, driving me to all my rehearsals, and seeing as many of my performances as possible. You both instilled in me a love of story and a belief that I should follow my heart. Thank you!

Dear Molly, Loren and Wendy,
My first drama teachers, you turned a passion for story into a love of acting! I loved being on stage. I loved speaking those words. I loved becoming the character. I loved it so much I couldn’t believe any of my friends wanted to do anything else with their lives. If you hadn’t been there, I have no idea what I’d be doing with my life. Maybe making a decent wage? Ha! But really, I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else and you got me started! Thank you!

Dear ECA (my school in Madrid),
Thank you for the experience of a lifetime, directing Arsenic and Old Lace my senior year. Thank you to everyone who helped make, what seemed impossible, possible! Sometimes I still can’t believe we did it. Thank you!

Dear David P,
I don’t even know if you will be able to read this, but I need to thank you anyway. When I was in Prague, you gave me a chance that I didn’t deserve. You saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. You encouraged me to keep pursuing my dream, at a time when I had let it go. Thank you!

Dear Jeff,
At a crossroads in my life, you came along and guided me through. You helped me see through the fog of fear and doubt into my true desires and helped me believe pursuing them was worthwhile. Thank you!

Dear Taproot Theatre,
You gave me my first professional acting job… and you keep asking me back. Every time I get to work with you, I am encouraged and overjoyed. You are a wonderful group of people, full of integrity and creativity. It is always an honor! Thank you!

Dear Melissa,
As my agent, you have hustled and fought for me. Thank you for believing in me and opening doors to my career that I didn’t think possible!

Dear LA friends,
Thank you for housing me, encouraging me and helping me build a foundation for a career down there!

Dear Leah (and the cast and crew of Julius Caesar),
I am so grateful for being in Julius Caesar. You don’t know the depth of disappointment I’ve experienced over the past few months and how going to rehearsal every night was a rock to hold on to. Being in this show saved me(from quitting). On top of that, the artistic and friendly spirit I have found in you, excites me for the possibilities of the future. I can’t wait to create with you again!

The Seattle theatre community,
Every community is flawed and cracked, because it is made up of human beings. I’ll be honest that sometimes you haven’t been my favorite, but for some things I owe you a debt of gratitude. Thank you to the artists who treated me as an equal when I felt less than. Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt when I doubted myself. Thank you for demonstrating the camaraderie that is possible in a competitive world. If we keep working together, who knows what could happen?! ART? Let’s do it!

Dear, dear friends and family,
You, who have sat and talked with me over the phone or countless cups of coffee, helping me process, mourn losses and dream dreams; thank you!

Dear Michael,
Last, but most of all, my husband. Too often I take you for granted. From the beginning, you have believed in me and pushed me forward. You have made so many sacrifices so that I could pursue this dream. I don’t deserve these gifts and yet you keep on giving them. I apologize for the times I’ve dismissed your words of encouragement, downplaying what you see “because you’re my husband.” I was throwing away the sweetest offerings of love because I couldn’t see past my own insecurities. Thank you for your love, belief and sharpening imagination. I owe more to you than I can ever repay. Thank you for not letting me quit. You keep me going!

Well, I know I have missed people. Once you start thanking people you can’t stop. It’s contagious. Think about it. Thank someone. It will make a world of difference!

For the Love!

I’ve been thinking a lot since writing my blog, About Quitting. I can’t tell you how helpful this honesty has been. It’s initiated several important conversations and I thank each of you who have responded with encouragement and insight into this time of my life.

I think one of the biggest things I realized in writing my last blog is that I wasn’t happy. For something that costs so much (mentally, physically, emotionally) that I wasn’t finding rewarding… Why? Why? Why was I doing it? After I wrote that blog, my husband challenged me to answer that question. If I’m not doing it for the love of acting, then I should quit.

What is enough?

One of the biggest realizations I’ve had is that, when pursuing acting (business or artistic side), I never feel like I’ve done enough. I never feel good enough. I’m still trying to prove myself. I keep trying to prove I’m a professional, that this isn’t just a “hobby.” I’ve desperately needed the affirmation that the sacrifices I’ve made have been worth it; that I’m good enough to be cast and pursue this career. All these people say you have to go into auditions not “needing” to be cast. As much as that makes sense to me, I’ve never really gotten there. I need to get cast to be happy. As a result, I’ve put my happiness into the hands of people who don’t care about me personally, only about what I can do for them.

There will always be someone wealthier, more successful, working more, more famous than I. If I’m not happy where I’m at, then I won’t ever be. It’s like a drug. We can end up like junkies, not even happy with the drug when we get it, always wanting more. If we treat it that way, it will never be enough.

Change the Relationship

Recently, I had coffee with a lovely fellow artist who is going through a very similar process right now. She likened acting to a romantic relationship. She pointed out that if we were dating someone who used us, beat us up (emotionally or physically) and took more than he/she gave, that would be an abusive relationship and our friends and loved ones would tell us to get the hell out of there! Yet, here we are in this relationship with our art which can turn abusive, yet we stay in it because we can’t quit the dream. Maybe it doesn’t mean breaking up, but it does mean something has to change.

I’m talking about freeing myself from the vice grip an acting career has over my life. What would it look like to reorient my life and focus? I don’t want to be happy only when I book a job, and sometimes not even then. I am making a conscious decision to change my relationship with my career; it will look different from now on.

Back to Basics

What do I love doing?

being with the people I love
making something out of nothing
engaging in stories: listening to, watching, and telling
giving back/serving
laughing
building community
exploring people and relationships

Am I giving up? YES, I am giving up:

feeling like I am never enough
needing other people’s affirmation or approval to be happy
letting titles define me
being controlled by the whims of people who have little vested interest in my well-being
trying to see my career through other people’s eyes
making decisions based on what is only “professionally” advantageous
chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow= “Making it!”

I am NOT giving up:

acting
creating
collaborating
trying new things
pursuing projects and people I enjoy
running with an idea until I can’t run anymore
doing it, just because I love it!

The other day, my husband pointed out that the root of the word “amateur” comes from the Latin word, amator meaning ‘lover.’ The meaning has taken on a negative connotation over the years, but at the root it describes someone who does something because they love it. If I am an amateur actor for the rest of my life, that will be a life well lived.

I’m getting back to the reason I started acting in the first place. For the LOVE!

P.S. If you want to participate with me in doing something for the love, come see Julius Caesar this or next weekend. We are doing this show purely for the love of telling this story… and giving it away for free! Yes, I am shamelessly promoting this show, because it has brought me back to this truth: Beauty can result from doing something, just because you love it!

Playing Portia in Julius Caesar

I am thrilled to announce that I will be playing Portia in Julius Caesar with Handwritten Productions in Seattle, WA. I can’t tell you how excited I am to share this production with an audience. We open this Friday, September 27th at 7:30 pm.

ALL PERFORMANCES ARE PAY-WHAT-YOU-CAN!

WHAT: Handwritten Productions presents “Julius Caesar” by William Shakespeare, directed by Leah Adcock-Starr.

WHEN: September 27, 28 & October 3, 4, 5, 10, 11, 12.

WHERE: The Ballard Underground (2220 NW Market St, Seattle, WA 98107).

TICKETS: This performance is open to the general public and is pay-what-you-will. Seat reservations can be made by visiting our website at handwrittenproductions.org

About Quitting

How many motivational posters, slogans, and stories have we heard? Never quit. Don’t give up. Just do it. How many times did all those famous people fail before they succeeded? As much as that makes me feel better about my failures it doesn’t make me think I will be so lucky. Not everyone “makes it.” That’s a fact. If everyone tried as hard as these success stories, would they make it? No. That would be impossible. The very nature of “making it” is being at the top and of course not everyone can be at the top, because then it wouldn’t be the top anymore. WE ALL CAN’T MAKE IT. No one ever tells you that. Most of us won’t get to the place we want to be. What then?
A lot of this motivational advice comes from people who have made it. Of course they can give this advice, because they’ve made it. But what about those of us who have done everything the successful ones have done and we haven’t made it. It’s like those married people who tell the single people, “Just you wait, it will happen.” or “When you know, you just know.” And all you want to do is punch them in the face! Some things are just out of your control. You can’t just live your life waiting for it to happen. Every contented single person I know who would like to get married someday is living life, making plans without that certainty. Of course there is still disappointment when a potential relationship doesn’t work out, but without it a very happy and fulfilling life continues. Can I approach acting the same way?

In my career, I find there is a chasm between where I want to be and where I find myself now. When I recognize that that gap isn’t getting any smaller, I find it difficult to keep going. And how can I be content, keeping this goal in front of my face without being able to grasp it? Sometimes I feel like this:

Why am I doing this?

Lately, I’ve been really discouraged. Faced a lot of rejection. It makes me wonder if it’s all worth it. How much money have I spent on gas, classes, headshots (and the list goes on)? How much time have I wasted because I was trying to keep my schedule open for auditions? I’ve given up on having a regular well-paying job. I’ve made sacrifices (including missing weddings and not going on vacation) for this career and where am I? I’ve devoted years to this and I’m still only getting paid for MAYBE one show a year. The rest I am doing for free. The other shows that I get a stipend for barely pay for my gas. Why am I doing this? I had hoped to get to the professional level, but I feel very little progress in that area. Every time I think I might be close to that next tier, I get another “We went in a different direction” letter. Will I ever make it?

If I’m not making it, why do I keep going? I’m starting to question my commitment. I’ve told myself I would never quit. Is that just because our culture shames quitters? Is it just “fate” that is keeping me going? Acting seems to always find me. I can’t stay away. Yet, I have this love/hate relationship with it: I love the work; I hate not getting cast and it discourages me so much that I consider giving up.
I suppose that there are a few reasons why people quit.

You don’t want to look like an ass (see above).
You face resistance, fear, challenges and start to back down.
You figure out that other things are more important.

10969 — It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? We believe so strongly that we need art; the world needs art, so we keep going. We starve, we sacrifice, we hold on because of a feeling, a belief that it is all worth it. Is it?

Although #1 is true, I’ve had just enough nibbles on the carrot to keep me going. Yes, #2 has been tempting, but looking back I know that I have or can find what it takes to face them and break through. #3 is the kicker. This is what I’ve been sitting with all week. Is there something that is more important? For that matter, what is so important about acting? Would I continue auditioning and acting for the rest of my life if I never got paid another cent? Would I continue even if I never got into my goal theatres or onto my target TV shows? I need to know what I want in return. Is it money(because I’m certainly in the red on that one)? Is it personal fulfillment? Is it a contribution to the community at large? Is it fame?

An inspirational graphic by Bill Watterson has been going around lately. I love this idea. It is the the reason I haven’t pursued anything that I thought would make me a lot of money. I want art to be a part of my life no matter what. However, what if you give up all of these things that the world says we need, and yet you still don’t get those things for which you made these sacrifices?

…

It’s been a week since I wrote the first part of this blog. While I’ve been contemplating all these questions, I’ve been in rehearsal. You say, “You mean you’re complaining, doubting, and thinking about quitting while you are actually IN a show?!” Yes, yes, I am. You see, this show (not getting paid, at a fringe theatre) is not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life. Perhaps I’m greedy and ungrateful….Yes, I’ll grant you that. Even more reason for me to reflect on where I am and why I am doing this. This week, a few things caught my attention.

When my director pointed out that this play is only happening because we all agreed and committed to making it happen.
Through collaboration, I am still surprised by the magic that results.
Story is powerful.

As I sit here, trying to explain what happened this week to give me hope, I can’t put my finger on it exactly. Some experiences are beyond words.

These are glimmers of why I starting doing this in the first place. Perhaps that is all I needed. Am I quitting? Not today.

Have a little Faith

Back in 2008 I lived in Prague, Czech Republic and I was convinced that my destiny was to serve the city through theatre and community involvement. To do this, I interviewed with a faith organization called World Harvest Mission and returned to Seattle to “raise support.” Like with a lot of non-profit endeavors, my next job was to inspire people to get on board with my cause and support me in any way they could.

Basically, that’s a fancy way of saying I had to ask people for money. I hated it. I felt like I was imposing on people. If people said, “No” then it made things weird (for me). I didn’t like putting myself out there and making myself available for rejection. I had a coach assigned to me who gave me an outline of things to do, including: writing and sending out letters, setting up meetings and presentations, follow-up phone calls, and then repeating the whole process over and over again. I did this for about a year.

Over that year, my perspective of this process shifted. This is what I learned:

Instead of asking for money, I was initiating a relationship, a partnership in this opportunity to make a difference in the world.
Not to focus on the result. The result was out of my control. I had to put myself out there. What happened as a result was secondary.
Instead of thinking I “have to” do this so that I get to do what I love; I got to serve and open people’s eyes to an opportunity, which they wouldn’t otherwise have had.
Belief in my cause spoke to some people and not to others. That was okay.
In the midst of hearing “No” over and over again, I had to have faith in something bigger in order to keep going.

As you might remember, 2008 coincided with this little thing in our economy called the recession. Because of that and a few other circumstances (I started dating this guy…), I decided to stay in Seattle instead and pursue acting. What seemed like a year wasted preparing for non-profit work I never got to do, turned into training for my acting career. That list of things my coach gave me to do is the basic framework for networking; only, letters turned into headshots and resumes; meetings turned into auditions; and follow-up turned into postcards and status updates. And look at what I learned above, don’t those things also apply?

Every audition is an opportunity to build an artistic relationship for present and/or future projects.
You have no idea if you will be cast, you can only focus on the chance you have in this moment to act, play and perform. That is a gift. Getting cast is secondary.
The audition IS your opportunity to do what you love, not the gateway to it! And I’m serving the casting director by meeting a need they have.
You will be right for some roles and not for others. That’s a good thing.
No matter what it is, to keep going, you have to have faith in something: a god of hope, the greater good, art’s power to change people, a sense of destiny, the purpose of your own gift, or all of the above. These are true and powerful things.

Sometimes I forget and I start to resent the process, wondering why I chose this winding, rocky path. It is good to be reminded where I came from, how I got here, and what it’s all about. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I need a little faith to keep going.

The Artist’s Battle Within

Lately, my husband has been obsessed with NPR’s Radiolab and he recommended I listen to a particular episode called, “Help!”

“What do you do when your own worst enemy is…you? This hour, Radiolab looks for ways to gain the upper hand over those forces inside us–from unhealthy urges, to creative insights–that seem to have a mind of their own.” (Click on the picture below to have a listen.)

In this podcast they talked to a woman who was battling a life-long smoking addiction, discussed how the fictional Ulysses (Homer’s Odysseus) kept himself from falling victim to the sirens, and interviewed Elizabeth Gilbert (author of “Eat, Pray, Love”) about the challenges of writing. These people got over the resistance within themselves by finding a motivation more powerful than that pesky little rebel inside. One writer told himself he would commit suicide if he didn’t write a book in ten days. He meant it. And he wrote the book!
This got me thinking about my own battle with artistic discipline. There is a struggle within myself between one part that desires to improve and the other that resists change. I will always make it to auditions, rehearsals, performances and do my best. That’s the good part. The bad part is that, when it comes to working on my craft by myself, time with friends or family always win out. Ultimately, the problem is, although I hate disappointing other people, somehow it is okay for me to disappoint myself.
There in lies the key to my solution. In the podcast, the woman who overcame her smoking habit chose something that superseded her need to smoke. For me, relationships have the highest priority. This gave me an idea. What if I treated my actor craft time, as a relationship with a person that needs nurturing. If I miss an appointment with my future-actor-me(who has achieved all my current hopes and dreams), I have disappointed her and let her down. Ulysses knew future-him would not be able to resist the sirens, so he preemptively told his crew to strap him to the mast. Tom Waits personifies his artistic inspiration by talking to it and arguing with it until a resolution is found. What if future-actor-me and present-me can come to an agreement and foster this relationship for both our good?!? It might seem a bit split personality, but there are already apposing voices going on in all our heads, so I might as well work with it, right? For now, I’ll call my future-actor-me, C2.

Dear C2,
I know we’ve had a rough time of it. I’ve ignored you more than I like to admit. Can we start over? I promise to meet with you regularly, keep my appointments, and do my best to grow our relationship. We’re in this together. Let’s do this!

Sincerely,
Charissa

What are your hang-ups? What could motivate you to overcome that obstacle? I’d love to hear your ideas. We’re all in this together!

My LA Reading List

Over my time in LA, I kept hearing about these books that “I should read” so I started making a list. Here is my upcoming reading wish list!

“At Left Brain Turn Right” by Anthony Meindl.
I was able to audit one of Anthony’s classes while I was in LA and was so intrigued by his philosophy. He teaches a non-“method” type of working. From the his studio’s website: “‘keep it simple’… NO ‘sense memory’, NO ‘mask work’, NO ‘objectives on the line’! Just YOU living TRUTHFULLY in imaginary circumstances, completely IN THE MOMENT.” Can’t wait to explore his philosophy more!

“Book The Job” by Doug Warhit.
I also audited Doug Warhit’s class while I was in LA. While I was waiting for class to start, I was able to flip through this book. It was chock full of very practical advice for every actor.

“Making It In Hollywood” by Scott Sedita.
To my knowledge, Scott doesn’t offer audits of his classes, but both of the following books were highly recommended to me. His niche is teaching comedy.

“The Eight Characters of Comedy” by Scott Sedita.

“Acting is Everything” by Judy Kerr.
Judy’s book was highly recommended to me by Bonnie Gillespie (who also wrote a wonderful book on the business of acting, which I have read already and you have to read, called “Self-Management for Actors.”)

“Truth in Comedy: The Manuel of Improvisation” by Kim Howard Johnson.
This one was recommended in my Upright Citizen’s Brigade Improv 101 class. Can’t wait to read it!

“How to get the part…. without falling apart” by Margie Haber.
I was able to attend an orientation for Margie Haber’s class and was also intrigued by her philosphy: “Stop acting! Live the life.” Her classes are highly lauded, especially for perfecting your auditioning technique. She’s taught Brad Pitt, Heather Locklear, Kelly Preston, many more, and (one of my favorites) Mariska Hargitay.

So, yes…. can’t wait to get started!

(… Hey, my birthday is coming up!…*hint*hint*)

Coming down from the “High”

As artists we are familiar with the “high” we feel while consumed by a project. Art, theatre, acting, music etc. is our drug of choice. I don’t know about you, but I am addicted. As high as the artistic experience takes us, we all know the low that follows. Sometimes we are lucky enough to go straight into another project, but at one time or another all of us have experienced that lull in between projects. Sometimes we can find the faith to know that something good is coming, even if we don’t see it yet. Other times, I find myself wallowing in the doubt of the future. When that happens, I feel lost and sad.

I spent three months in LA figuring out what my career there would look like. I was focused. I knew what I was doing. I was busy. I learned a lot. I had some incredible experiences. I could see my way into the future. I was on a “high.” Now I am back in Seattle so that my husband and I figure out what’s next. (There are too many aspects and minute details involved to explain that decision making process here.) The truth is that coming to that decision has been overwhelming and in the mean time I feel like I have nothing to stand on. I haven’t auditioned in Seattle for three months so now I have no projects coming up. I don’t know if I should be working to establish myself in Seattle or LA. I don’t have a job. I need a job. I’m been waking up in the morning without direction, asking myself, “What do I do today? What do I do with myself in general? What is my goal? Where is my focus?” I finally admitted to my husband the other day that I had the thought, “I am depressed.” This is something I have never said out loud before.

The next day, as I was trying to pull myself out of this funk, I remember something my friend, Mary Jo Anderson(who is also an actor), told me she did to lift her spirits on a tough day. She called it her “Joy List.” She and our friend, Audrey Matos, wrote down all the things that brought them joy. They made an agreement with each other that whenever they had a rough day they would go to that list and do something on it. For another friend, who was going through a particularly rough time, this practice actually changed her outlook and brought more positive things her way.
So I set about doing something from my list…. and it helped!

Here is (part of) my Joy List:

drinking a cappuccino/tea from a tea cup
sewing something new
baking cookies
baking a pie
taking a walk in the fresh air
hugging my husband
painting my toenails
reading a good novel
watching the sunset
walking on the beach
having coffee/a drink with a friend

Usually, at least one of these is possible, no matter where I am. None of these are a big life fix, but something that is helping me get through this low.

As for what’s next, I don’t know. I think part of being in the low is recognizing it and accepting it. It’s all a part of the journey. We can’t have mountains without valleys, right? I have some ideas for the future, but for the moment, I’m here. I’m processing. I’m finding joy in the small things. I am. And that’s okay.

Are You Present?

Remember being in school, quietly sitting at your desk, and the teacher taking roll? Your teacher asks, “Charissa?” I answer, “Present, Mrs. Huff!” (Actually I was homeschooled so I didn’t call my mom, Mrs. Huff, and taking roll was more like rolling out of bed.) Okay, so maybe taking roll didn’t happen that way, but you get the idea.

ARE YOU HERE OR NOT?

I audited a class highly lauded acting studio yesterday, where I observed a fascinating example of being present and yet not present at the same time.
As soon as the hour struck and class had begun, the teacher took roll of all the students. This girl (we’ll call her Susan) noisily rushed into class five minutes late and sat down right in front of me. (Because she was late she had to hand the teacher $1.) Then she immediately pulled out a book and started reading. Everyone else in class was intently watching the activities and scenes in front of them, sharing observations when appropriate, and learning from what they saw. When it came time for Susan to do her scene, she got up and followed through with her activity. The teacher’s biggest observation was that she was not responding to her scene partner. Her scene activity was so important to her that she’d really cut off the other person. Susan was somewhat surprised at this feedback and promised to work on it, then promptly returned to her seat and pulled out her book. During the next scene, the teacher saw someone genuinely responding to his scene partner and called out, “Susan, did you see that?” Caught off guard, she quickly looked up from her book and eagerly said, “Yes!” The teacher, missing this sly recover, continued, “That is what I’m talking about.” Susan responded, “Okay,” and returned to her book, completely missing the teaching moment that just happened.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! No wonder she wasn’t present on stage; she wasn’t present in class.

From that little interaction I’m guessing it didn’t stop there but extended to the rest of her life. By being so caught up in her own little (self-important) world, she was completely missing the gems that were right in front of her nose.
It’s easy to condemn, but before I get too puffed-up and think I’m above all that, I need to stop and reflect on my own life. Am I really present all the time? How often do I zone out in a conversation and think about something else, missing the moment that is unfolding right before my eyes? How do I communicate to people that I am more important by being caught up in my own little world?

What moments do I miss every day?

What a tragedy! To miss out on this moment, because that is all we have. We can’t change the past. We can’t dictate the future. All we have is now.

Let’s be present, here and now, and see what gems we discover!